Is being a mum with ADHD really so much different than being a mum without it?
I’d be leaning towards saying: No, I don’t think it’s that different. It’s probably just magnified in my brain, which makes me feel like I’m continuously balancing between the good and evil to save the entire world!
People with ADHD frequently experience emotions so deeply, they become unable to complete daily living tasks.
So, trust me, when I tell you that sometimes I feel like I’m fighting this enormous and unbelievably strong creature, pushing me out of balance on to the dark side…
But is it really all that different, to what other mums might feel?
Like loving your child so deeply and purely, that you know if you look at them few more minutes, you will burst into sunrays…
And melting at your knees at just one thought about a day without him, all to yourself, staying in bed all day, relaxing, drinking wine for breakfast and not worrying what the neighbours might think…
All at the same time…
Am I really the only one?
How many women are going through an internal conflict choosing between themselves and their children on a daily basis?
Do I chose what’s good for me? OR Do I chose what’s good for my son?
Do I stay at work a little bit longer? OR Do I cook a healthy dinner?
Do I sit and watch a movie? OR Do I take my son out for some fresh air and exercise?
Do I spend time on my hobby? OR Do I spend time with my son on his hobby?
Do I encourage and support him to practice math, or do I allow him extra screen time so that I can finish shaving my legs?
Do I provide him with enough stimulating activities OR is he watching too much TV?
Can I relax a bit and do my nails? OR Do I clean the house to provide a nice environment for my son?
Do I focus on my goals OR Do I help him with his?
I am pretty sure most parents can imagine similar conflict.
People with ADHD tend to overthink- so every thought you once had, we had it probably 100’sx more.
People with ADHD are also know to struggle with emotional regulation, they can be more quick to lose temper.
Woman with ADHD experience PMS symptoms much worse than women without ADHD.
Have you seen the new series on Prime ‘’Wolf Like Me’’? I honestly think the wolf is representing a woman with ADHD one week before her period.
If you have a supportive partner, who contributes their share, and supports you emotionally- take a moment to breathe in and out and express some gratitude for the choices you made in your life, which led you to that moment. Some of us unfortunately made choices, which led us down a single carriageway.
Become aware of your support circle, all the people you can rely on, like family members, good friends, neighbours… and appreciate every single one of them… It’s amazing, when you are able to share responsibilities with another person and have others who are there when you need them. Even if it’s just for emotional guidance and support. There is a lot of us out there, doing it all completely alone.
Not sure, how much you know about ADHD, but one of the typical symptoms is inability to organise.
Now- I’m probably Autistic (currently awaiting assessment), my mom was a queen of getting organised, and people call me the most organised person they have ever met… yet I still feel like there’s a constant chaos in my head.
When I became a mum- the priority became to keep the baby healthy and alive without getting social services involved.
New life, new routine, new priority:
Morning to evening, seven days a week, year after year on schedule: breakfast, school run, work, school run, dinner, work, bath time, movie, bed time. House Cleaning Day, Gardening day, car wash day. Football, ballet, swimming. Everything needs to be on time.
On an auto pilot.
I’m not the only one though, am I?
And we all know someone without kids, who once in a while tell us they are bored. Do you also have the ability to imagine a list of things for them to do, which you have not had a chance to prioritise yet but are already overdue?
And whilst you are thinking about that list titled ‘’Outstanding Tasks’’ and imagine how great it would feel, if someone, who is currently bored, could just come over and make it disappear; you receive a WhatsApp message from a friend you haven’t seen in weeks. So, you open the message, because you have ADHD and you make impulsive decisions and get easily distracted, and you know, if you don’t open it now, it will get lost in the ‘’Outstanding Tasks’’ folder…
You read that message and your heart sinks to the bottom of your stomach:
- ‘’Can we meet for coffee’’?
But what about the schedule, which took weeks to engrave on the brain?!
Your poor brain needs time to process the request and pro’s and con’s; needs to imagine the schedule for the rest of the week, so that you can decide:
Perhaps if I split my ironing, I could do darks on a Thursday and Whites on a Friday, so that I do not disturb the schedule too much??
And you agree, because deep down you know you really want to and you know doing laundry, whilst watching Netflix and thinking what to make for breakfast in the morning will make you miserable.
I’m pretty sure all mums face very similar problems every day.
But here’s where ADHD complicates things.
I might have a schedule, to do list, phone and email reminders but if my brain goes into hyperfocus doing something it loves the most, you can be sure I’ll stay in that zone until I’m done or my son comes tell me he’s hungry and I realise ONCE AGAIN I have not cooked dinner and need to order Chinese, because it’s healthier than pizza.
No bread, eggs and bacon in the fridge on Sunday morning? No problem, let’s go to the coffee shop!
Even though, I can’t afford it, because ADHD makes me spend impulsively and I have a major problem budgeting.
Yeah, being a single mum with ADHD is not always fun…
But it comes useful, when dealing with crisis situations. Especially when your child, also might have ADHD, and gets injured fairly frequently, to the point where you think it might be easier to rent a house next to the hospital…
Looking back, it’s hard to say if I’d decide to keep the pregnancy, if I knew I had ADHD at the time.
But what I can say for sure, is that my child grounds me. I feel like he brings me the balance I really needed in my life. I always say, that getting pregnant with him saved my life. And he continues saving it every day.
I can go all day without having a meal, but I feel responsible for making sure my son eats a fairly balanced diet. And yes, sometimes it means, the balance is choosing between the healthier take away option and adding few fruit in the day.
I can go all day, glued to the laptop, working on something exciting, but I also really want to take my son out to let him burn some of the energy. Sometimes it means allowing him to go out with his friends and trust he’s not up to no good to give myself extra time.
I have no partner to help me with responsibilities; my brain goes dead, if it’s not stimulated by exciting events so yes- sometimes I forget to buy bread for a few days, pay school meals 3 weeks late, or allow my son to go to school with a ripped jumper for a few months, before I get to saw it….
But I’m also wondering: should I start letting my son become more independent?
Should I start handing some responsibility for my son, back to him, to prepare him for adulthood, teach him cook, do laundry, clean the house or start to walk to school by himself? Won’t he feel lonely? OR Think I no longer care about him?
God, I feel like pulling my own hair sometimes …..
But since ADHD diagnosis, I learned to forgive myself more.
I learned to accept: I am doing everything I can. I am doing the best I can.
And I understood my body and how hormones can affect my motivation, energy and cognitive abilities and I know that I can not always perform at 160%.
I realised I can not be the best at everything and sometimes my focus gets stuck in one place, forgetting about my main priority. I also realised that sometimes, I need to become a little bit selfish to take care of myself and recharge my batteries, to give more of myself back to my son.
Is it really any different, for mums without ADHD?
Why did it take 37 years for my to get diagnosed and why did I need a diagnosis to start loving myself a little bit more?
